It’s Halloween in two days. We are ready.

I’ve spent this week wondering about a lot of things I don’t understand. Useless in real life things, and yet they could all potentially come in handy when I play my next game of Trivial Pursuit. For example, I now know what a murmuration is. I can tell you anything you want to know about all the Roseanne Halloween specials. I also know that “ready Freddy” is in reference to Freddy Mercury. Yay Freddy.

I’ve also spent time researching the Koch brothers and now I’m worried that Democracy is a facade. And while I’m on that topic I really don’t understand why Tom Cotton would use his mother in his political ads because, well, “Mother isn’t feeling well.” And that’s all I’m gonna say about that one.

I don’t understand Vera Bradley purses. I’ve tried. I just can’t.

I also don’t understand most butternut squash recipes but I’m gonna cook it or die trying.

I don’t understand why when a man bumps into a woman, and she drops a file folder, and she says, “I’m sorry.” Why is she sorry?

I don’t understand the return of flannel shirts and maroon lipstick of the 90’s, but I’m willing to accept anything that replaces the neon off-the-shoulder-shredded 80’s garb.

But here are a few things I do understand.

1. Margarita machines in an office setting could be a boon to work productivity. Or at least keep coworkers from going for each others throats.

2. I don’t bribe my toddler. I incentivize her.

3. When you don’t eat Taco Bell for over a year, and then you do eat it, you could likely end up in the ER.

4. When it comes to buying new lipstick, I’m the Sansa Stark of bad judgement.

5. “You gotta cover Queen Elsa up with a blanket or else her feet will get cold and tears will come out of her nose.”

That last one is all Jane. You’re welcome.