Weekends. Whew. I love them, but lately, they’re harder than a work week. I’ve been so tired lately. When I get tired I wear less makeup. And that always makes me think about the time, way back when, I asked my sisters if I looked better with or without makeup.
One of them responded, “Well. You kind of look like Shelley Duval without it.”
And it’s true.
I have these great big eyelids, and if they don’t have eyeshadow I look just like her.
I was going to take pictures of olives, but we’re out. So avocados will have to do.
So that’s me. Looking forward to the weekend.
I’ll be sure to wear some eyeshadow.
I had dinner with my sisters the other night. We had tenderloin and risotto. Jane was asleep to the sound of rain on her noisemaker. The crickets chorused in full force in the yard, and inside there was so much talking. Wonderful, sisterly, giggly talking.
I’ve missed all three of us being together. It’s like my right arm is missing when I don’t have it.
It was my favorite soundtrack. Jane’s sleep sounds on the monitor. Summertime outside. Laughing. I tried my best to soak it all in, storing it up for the ten months we’re without Becca again. It was wonderful.
I got so frustrated I cried in public today. I never do that. It was humiliating. I don’t want to go into the details of it, but life has been hard lately. It seems that Jane is sick with one thing or another all the time (and us). Life is unorganized and chaotic. I’m alone a lot. The little frustrations dog-pile into bigger frustrations. I love my family, and my life, and my job, but sometimes it seems like they’re all at war with each other… and there is only so much of me to go around.
Big, deep breaths.
Big, tearful prayers.
This morning I sat in the kitchen and ate my bowl of cereal. Jane’s baby monitor buzzed softly, birds chirped outside the window, and the neighborhood sprinklers made their “tick tick tick” sound up and down the street. Instead of sitting at the dining room table I sat in the rickety turquoise chair in our kitchen, the chair we keep around for standing on to reach light bulbs.
Mabel ate her food contentedly by my feet. She likes company at meal time. I finished my cereal (exactly 110 calories portioned out with a measuring cup) and decided I was going to eat a blueberry muffin too. A dog barked next door and Mabel paused mid chew, made a throaty “grrfff” sound and went back to eating.
Just then the baby monitor lights flashed and I heard Jane say “hi” in her highest pitched girl voice. She’s starting to sound so much more like a tiny kid than a baby these days. I love that. I love that she wakes up and her first reaction is a cheerful “hi” rather than crying. If she cries it means something is really wrong. It looks like my girl might be a morning person too. That’s good. I need someone to share muffins with.
I did it. I tried to love it. I do like it. But it’s not enough.
So I’m changing my book page wall with some of this lovely wallpaper. It will look great, I feel certain. If we manage to hang it correctly.
That’s one big if.