Having a conversation with a toddler is like trying to do algebraic equations, solve the New York Times crossword puzzle, and set your hair on fire all at the same time. Here’s an example.

“Jane, can I brush your teeth?”

*Mistake number one: Asking  a toddler what they want to do. Unless it is eating ice cream, going outside, or watching ‘tartoons’ the answer is always no.

Jane shakes her head vehemently, “Nuh. Muckah Mouse.”

“No, we’re not going to watch Mickey Mouse right now, we’re going to brush your teeth.”

Jane eyeballs me with the fury of a detoxing woman with PMS. She loves her some Mickey Mouse.

“Get up here on the counter.”

“Nuhhhhh”

*Mistake number two: Picking up an angry, arched back toddler and forgetting to lift with my legs.

Jane rips the toothbrush from her mouth, “Mommy wuvs you?”

*I tell this to her every night before bed, and she now uses it as a very successful ploy to get me to stop, start, jump, run or do her bidding in any way.

“Yes, Mommy loves you but you have to brush your teeth.

Jane playfully bats away the toothbrush and wiggles off the counter, “Pink pogeytail?”

“Do you want a pony tail with the pink rubberband? Then let me finish brushing your teeth.”

Jane shakes her head, “NUHHHH, pink pogeytail.”

I sigh and wonder how it is that for years I judged other people’s bratty kids and yet here I am, walking the mile without even so much as a threat or a whimper. I open the bathroom drawer to retrieve said desired pink pony tail holder. The drawer desperately needs WD40, and squeaks loudly.

Jane grins, “Mommy toot?”

*I’m not sure where the toot talk began, but I’m blaming Matt.

“No, Mommy did not toot.”

Jane knits her eyebrows into an intense frown, sensing a cover-up.”MOMMY TOOT!” she insists.

“NO, it was the drawer! I did not toot!”

And then it hits me that not only has she managed to evade a proper tooth brushing, not only has she made me jump through hoops to find the exact pink “pogey tail” holder… now she’s unjustly accusing me of breaking wind and she’s not even two and I’M ARGUING WITH HER ABOUT IT.

This is my life people. 

My life with a tiny, evil genius.