***You know how writers will have a disclaimer at the beginning of a book and say something like ‘any content resembling actual events or persons, is entirely coincidental’ to appease potentially mad people? Well one of my favorite writers, Anne Lamont, also says, “You own everything that happened to you. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

The following list is a compilation of things I’ve lived through and things I’ve seen other people live through. Some of it is observational and not my own personal experience.

But some of it is directly connected to me, and to quote Anne, I own all of it.

Recently my daughter introduced me to TikTok. Or rather, she introduced me to clips on YouTube, which eventually led us to TikTok. We found hilarious things there. We found some very interesting things there. But we also found, well, a lot of other things there. Illuminating things. Questionable things. Dumb things.

It led to some good discussions with Jane about how the things you put on the internet are forever, even if you delete them. It led to some good discussions on what social media she does and doesn’t need to be consuming right now.

But the more I flipped through all those clips, the more I heard about peoples’ divorces. Their horror stories. People posting recordings of their exes. Custody fight details. Incredibly personal details.

And I realized that even though I’ve been through two divorces, I’ve never really addressed that part of my life publicly. There are a variety of reasons for that, but mainly because I didn’t want my kids to read personal life details someday that might make them want to scratch their own eyes out. Or cry. Or carry emotional burdens they shouldn’t have to carry.

But after a recent therapy session, I pondered something my therapist told me.

“Always take advice from people who have lived the thing you are going through. Everyone else might have some helpful input, but at the end of the day, get your best advice from people who have experience in the thing you are living through.”

So, I thought I’d throw a few things I’ve learned out into internet-land. Why? Because I’m not angry at anyone. I’m not proving a point. I’m past the crisis-phase of divorce. And while the salacious aspects of divorce and coparenting might be entertaining, they aren’t all that helpful for people down in the trenches. Which leads me to number one.

1. Get your advice from people who have lived the thing you are living… and have healed from it. If you and your girlfriends want to go out and drink and blast your exes and share divorce horror stories, do it. Believe me. There is validation in those types of things. But other people who are in the midst of divorce are just as confused and angry as you. Find someone who is done with their divorce. Who got therapy. Who can talk about their ex without cursing them. Find someone who isn’t mad anymore. They can listen and empathize without being triggered, and offer you some solid advice.
2. If you talk bad about your ex to your child, you make your child feel bad about who THEY are, not just the other parent. This is another life changing lesson my therapist explained to me. She explained that even if a child doesn’t like their other parent, they still identify with them and both parents are part of their sense of self. If you blast the other parent to your child, you just make them feel bad about who they are. So don’t do it. Do your complaining and personal-detail-sharing to your friends, siblings, parents or therapist. But leave your kids out of it. Even if they’re grown. They should not have to carry your baggage.
3. But there’s a caveat to the above topic. Don’t gas light your kids in an effort not to say bad things about their parent. If your child comes to you and is sharing something harmful or hurtful about the other parent, depending on the child’s age, I think it’s important to say, “I’m really sorry this is happening, and yes, your dad/mom can be that way sometimes.” Affirm their experience. Hug them. It’s a tight rope to talk, affirming their experiences, but also not rolling around in the mud about the other parent.
4. If you are divorced from someone who is combative or threatening, only communicate in text. Get it all in writing, and do not get bullied into yelling phone calls or in-person arguments.
5. However, if you are divorced from someone who is putting their best foot forward, who is working hard to coparent with you, don’t argue over text. Tone, intent… it can all get misconstrued over the course of a text disagreement. Just get on the phone and hash it out when you’re both feeling calm.
6. Recently someone commented that our joint holidays and birthday parties are “weird.” Well. Maybe. Sure. But at the end of the day it is not about the adults. If you’re able to coparent civilly, or better yet, if you’re able to reach a state of friendships with your ex, your kids will only benefit. So it doesn’t matter if it’s “weird.” Mature adults should be able to suck it up.
7. Your kids will always be a little bit sad. Even if you remarry and they adore their stepparent. Even if you still have joint holidays and movie nights. All kids want their parents to be together in one house. It’s a core dream. Acknowledge that. Hug them. Prepare yourself for those talks. It doesn’t mean they aren’t happy. It doesn’t mean you haven’t made a good home for them. It’s just a natural thing to be sad about.
8. Some kids don’t get over it. Most people think that adult kids will handle divorce better than little kids. This isn’t always the case. Despite being grown, they may not have accepted the reality of their parent’s divorce. And they may revert to behavior that doesn’t match the maturity of other adults their age. They may rage and scream and curse like much younger teens or children. And there’s nothing you can do about it except try to get them to go to therapy with you (which may not work) and talk it out calmly and respectfully (which may also not work). And, if those things fail, it’s okay to not accept abusive communication.
9. If your stepkids disrespect you, your spouse has to be the one to stand in that gap. If the kids are rude to Charley, it’s my job to step in and shut that down. If the kids need disciplining or a talking-to, that’s my job. A step-parent is in an un-win-able position if they have a partner that tolerates their children being disrespectful, or expects the step-parent to do the heavy lifting on disciplining. Don’t get me wrong, every now and then it’s called for. The other day Gabriel hit Jane, right in front of Charley, and he addressed it immediately because I wasn’t there. But for the most part, the parent has to do the disciplining, and they have to be on the look-out for disrespect toward their partner.
10. So what about if you have a later in life marriage? And family members are unhappy about it? The spouse has to stand in the gap again. If you allow other people to mistreat or talk shit about your spouse, the marriage is dead on arrival. Just because someone is family, it doesn’t give them the right to mistreat the person you love or say nasty things about them. There may be family dynamics that were in place long before your spouse came onto the scene. Dynamics of verbal abuse and enmeshment. Dynamics of anger and bad feelings about your previous divorce. And if you allow it to happen, the person you remarry may become a punching bag for family dynamics they had nothing to do with. You can’t let that happen.

Charley and I were talking about how second and third marriages have such high divorce rates, and of course they do. Getting along and being in love and having good communication is a tiny part of the pie. There are so many stressful things you have to face together above and beyond just making your own marriage work like custody schedules, alimony, child support, coparenting, carving out time together, aging parents, last minute emergencies, work stress and general (usually unnecessary) drama. We talked about all of this, and the absolutely insane things we have faced together. And will continue to face.

But for me, I can confidently say that the third time is the charm. I live in a happy, calm, respectful home, with a happy, calm and supportive husband. I survived two divorces and have learned a lot on what to do, and what not to do. I don’t have animosity or hard feelings toward my exes. There is a friendship there now. And I appreciate all the work we all do to coparent the kids.

And for those of you still out there in the trenches, someday it will get better. And then maybe worse again, and then a little better, and then back to worse, and then even better… you get the idea.

It’s a rollercoaster, but the law of averages indicates that things do even out over time. You learn more. Your ex learns more. It will get better.