This year I went all out with Halloween decorations outside. For me.

Now, I realize that compared to some social media Halloween mavens, this pic is small potatoes. Just yesterday I saw a super popular house person post about how they didn’t “go hard this year” while posting pictures of their house literally turned into a giant Ursula. It was a humble-brag that made me roll my eyes so hard my optician would probably worry about my ocular health. But, I digress.

Any-who. I’m no Martha Stewart, but this year’s outside decor took me three solid weekends to pull off.

First, I had to steal the branches from a neighbor’s trash pile. But since I’ve stopped being in denial about the core similarities of my life to the seminal tv-show Roseanne, these sorts of “stealing neighbor trash” activities don’t phase me as much as they used to. (The early Halloween-loving-liberal-years… not the later-conspiracy-theory-nut-farmer years.)

Then I bought on-sale cheap garlands in spring clearance decor section, thinking, “I already have to spray paint the branches, I can just spray paint these too. How hard can it be?”

Well. Hard.

It required tarps and a sunburn and a considerable amount of time hunched over, which created a situation where my lower back revolted. Then I stepped in dog poop. Also one of the cans of spray paint did a weird explosion thing and coated my right hand in oil-based blackness. It looked sort of like Dumbledore’s’ cursed hand, which would have made an excellent Halloween costume. But I chose life and used nail polish to wipe it off, which took almost an hour. That was Weekend #1.

Then came the “hanging all the things” from a tension rode with zip ties, and arranging the branches and birds in a planter, and poking myself in the ear, and getting up and down off a ladder a kabillion times on the same day that I started taking a new ADHD medication. My heart rate didn’t appreciate any of it, so the project went on pause until Weekend #3 and I laid in bed and watched the latest season of Emily in Paris. So I didn’t hate that.

And finally, on Weekend #4 I finished all of the above and hung giant spiders in the rose bushes and refused to even sweep by the front door, and yelled “GOOOD ENOUGH” while remembering that I had not decorated inside yet. At all.

I am broadcasting all of these grievances because if you’re looking at social media and feeling bad that your decor isn’t measuring up, don’t. Even my outdoor Martha-attempts fell short, and it still almost killed me (especially if that fun tachycardia-ADHD-meds event on my apple watch is to be believed). And the humble-brag folks who are all “I didn’t go all out this year” while sporting giant bubbling cauldrons on their front porches probably have a lot of funds and pay someone to clean their house every week.

In short, I shan’t be spray painting nuthin’ for Halloween next year. I am considering going on a quest for one of those blow-up Snoopy-Holding-a-Pumpkin thingies. Or just those green gourd/pumpkins and some twinkle lights, it’s hard to top that.

End rant.

P.S. If I forget to say it before the end of the month, Happy Halloween.