Things I Don’t Understand, Part 2

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1. I’ve already gotten ranty about this on Facebook and twitter, but I really don’t understand all the selling of things on Facebook. Here’s the deal. I’m okay with my nails only getting fabulous once a month if I have time to resurrect my favorite bottle of OPI. I get sweaty and itchy if I own more than a handful of monogrammed things. My house smells fine. No one can convince me that wrapping something around my waist is going to diminish fat cells because, well, science. I’ll make a special dispensation if you’re peddling something truly interesting, like a taxidermy snake collection, or crystal balls, or good jewelry, or cookies, or glitter pills (thanks Kristi).

2. I don’t understand older people who frown grumpily at a giggling child, but have dogs who wear bows and monogrammed vests. I blame this situation on several things; constipation, isolation, and over-monogrammation (which neatly circles back to Facebook).

3. Jane’s recent mastery of huge words. We were in Michael’s, she’d managed to amass a bouquet of glittering red holly, was wearing a pink elf hat, grinned at me and said, “This store is spectacular.” That moment was spectacular.

4. When you ask for cucumbers on your sandwich at Subway and you get four thin pieces of cucumber flavored paper masquerading as cucumbers.

5. Turn signals that sound like cartoon bubbles.

6. Self starter fire logs that don’t ever catch fire, but just smolder in a blackened lump and mock me.

7. Raisins.

8. The Carpenters.

9. Why “The Way We Were” is considered a romance. It’s sad. And a cautionary tale at best.

10. The white vs. colored lights Christmas tree conundrum. This year I just straddled the fence and did both. That’s right. White and color lights are all up in our tree. My rebellious spirit knows no bounds.

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6 Comments

  1. cheryl R says:

    I always get a laugh out of the things kids say and I love that they pick up big words because other people must be using big words around them rather than “baby talk” all the time.
    I agree with most of what’s on your list, but I grew up with the Carpenters – they were and are one of my favorite groups.
    Oh how about stop light signal sounds for pedestrians – someday I will try to record the talking voice at a major U of Minnesota intersection. After it says “Wait” a million times, when it finally tells you to go, it sounds just like this: woksahnasohn, woksahnasohn. Took me a month to figure out what it was saying!

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  2. Kim says:

    I prefer white lights on my tree. Red decorations. And anything that a child made, no matter the color. But I don’t hate on the multi-colored lights. They, too, are pretty. On someone else’s tree.

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  3. Caren says:

    I started doing the white and colored together a couple years ago, I really like it and it was a nice compromise between the white that I wanted and the colored that my son wanted. Happy Christmas to everyone!

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  4. Michele says:

    1. I don’t understand why you recently doubted your gifted writing. Your way with words is humorous, witty, sharp, and lovely. Liz – please don’t ever stop writing. I love words, read voraciously and long to write. I am in my second year of teaching English in a middle school after a midlife career change involving acquiring a college education in my forties. I owe tons of money for said education and am unsure teaching is for me. What I really want to do is write, but a day job is necessary. I just never seem to make time to do it, partly because teaching is completely draining. Sorry – this was supposed to be about encouraging you rather than spilling my guts. You inspire me, Liz!! Thank you so much!

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  5. Jenn says:

    Totally with you on #1. And raisins. EW. But the Carpenters?! It’s my all time favorite Christmas music. Though in all fairness it sounds like the sweet pieces of my childhood that I’ll never get back and really, I just like the way it makes me feel I think.

    PS – Love your rebellious Christmas spirit. Shine on girl (o:

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  6. CandiceMcC says:

    Ok, so the Christmas lights? I was at Lowe’s or HD last weekend (who am I kidding, I was at both but I can’t remember which one had these) and saw that there were lights that where white and then switched to multicolor and back to white! Rinse, repeat. Like each bulb had both a white and a colored tiny bulb that took turns. Problem solved. (You know, except my description likely made zero sense.)

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