Banana Rescue

This week I was involved in a meeting. It was an interesting meeting to anyone who had a pulse.

I did not have a pulse.

As my head got heavier and my eyes became glazed from the lack of moisture and lack of blinking, I realized I hadn’t eaten all day. And then I realized I had a banana in my purse, because who doesn’t?

I like to be prepared for all possible disasters. My mom purse currently contains a small bottle of children’s benadryl, diaper wipes, a roll of pennies and a lighter. Suck it Survivor Man.

So anyway. As my blood sugar continued to drop and my soul began to leave my body I thought, “This is dumb. Eat the banana.”

I’ve sneezed in the face of etiquette more than once in my life. Like the time I forgot myself and stuck my finger in a chocolate fountain at a wedding and licked it before I noticed the glares. Like the time my friends Carrie, Jared and I rode triple piggy back down the hall in high school. Like the time I went to my female doctor when I hadn’t shaved my legs for a week. Yesterday.

So there I was, mid meeting, glassy eyed, and I flop a banana out of my purse and start to eat it. Within two bites I immediately perked up. I don’t know if it was blood sugar. I don’t know whether the simple act of mastication triggered my brain activity. All I know is that banana rescued my bacon.

I need one of those for my life.

For when I pull up into a parking space too far and hang my front bumper on the concrete parking thingy and rip it off.

For when Jane decides she wants to go to school without a t-shirt on.

“I don’t wanna wear it, I go like this,” *slaps bare belly*

For when I order the wrong number of sandwiches from catering.

For when I put eyeliner JUST on one eye and then Jane distracts me and I forget to finish and then I go to work that way and one eye looks bigger than the other one and I spend the entire day looking like I’m wearing some invisible magnifying monocle.

For when I realize that the one thing I didn’t buy for my new apartment is a plunger, and you know, when you need a plunger you need it RIGHT THEN and not one millisecond later.

So yeah. I need a banana rescue. And some milk. And an extra set of sheets for Jane’s bed. And a David Sedaris book. And while you’re at it, rescue banana? See that house up there? The awesome one that looks all Grimms-fairy-tale-Harry-Pottertastic? If you could throw that in as a life bonus I’d appreciate it.

Merci.

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